Create

Ahhhh, how bittersweet. Snow*Wench is going to slowly disappear from the websphere, waning from existence while its reincarnation rises. I’m keeping the name & location mum for now, but it already exists on the web.

Working on designing the WordPress theme presents a very special challenge. I haven’t made a new layout for any of my sites in years. The HTML dreams stopped visiting me after I was accepted to college.

That was the beginning. Creativity stayed home when I hurried forth to try on different hats and  meet adventure wherever it found me. After a year and a half of juggling all the roles I thought I had to be, I had had my fill of fulfilling other people’s expectations (a very ugly hat, indeed) and was done chewing on the cookie of convention. It tastes like shit after a while. I packed up my lessons learned, took off the hats I wasn’t fond of, and sailed for home.

The homeland is bigger than I remember it. I can go out every day and have adventures if I want to. But I can also stay home and sleep peacefully. It is easier to be creative when you’re in your element and when your home is always with you, then you can create all the time. It makes me think of a YouTube clip I saw yesterday. I watched an amazing and spiritual video from Morman Messages (I’m not Morman, by the way) where it said that creating is a divine ability given to us all.

Isn’t that lovely? The power to create – create anything – as a divine gift. An inborn ability.

It’s like having a brand of magic.

Loving the 21.5.800 *Privately

I feel the need to address my concept of internet presence. It is really important because I am not so thrilled with how I’m governing my personal digi-land.

But first, why I haven’t been doing my duty and blogging about 21.5.800, even though I love it.

1. I keep doing the same thing–savasana and writing essays / that story. I do not have any new revelations to share. I am just enjoying the calm and the creativity. I don’t want to analyze it or keep an exacting record of it. I just want it to flow, like it has been.

2. “Time is of the essence.” I have to admit. I am up up up to my head in schoolwork and internship run-around and flight plans (Maui & California tomorrow). I am happy, but I’ve had to prioritize. The 21.5.800 is wonderful but I found out I didn’t like my self-assigned homework of detailing its progress. It’s so simple and so organic. So my desires + not a whole lot of dispensable time =  retracting my homework and letting myself love 21.5.800 privately.

3. This little blog o’ joy and the whole internet presence deal. Okay. This is the best blog I’ve ever created. I’ve tried out many different platforms and schemes, but I either didn’t like where I was hosted or I didn’t like how I compartmentalized the things I liked: a blog for entertainment, a blog for inspiration, a blog for Hello Kitty, et cetera. This was a way to integrate everything I wanted to talk about into one. I had it all figured out!

Well, not everything, it turns out.

There is so much I want to do with this blog, but there are certain restrictions to a wordpress.com name — but I have my own site, I can host my own blog. I can (BIG gulp) try to design my own layout that fits my personal flair.

I am not so satisfied with S*W and I’m excited for the move. This also means I sorta don’t want to keep throwing more words and more content at a project that’s going to quickly have a new face and a new name.

And what’s in a name? Snow*Wench is very cute. However, I think when I move this blog I am going to adapt its name. . . I want something more catchy, more sing-song, more silly-with-a-touch-of-pretty.

I’ve struggled to recreate a-ha! moement I had when I made my first personal site. Or when I made pfenix.net’s layout. I am looking for that a-ha moment for my blog and maybe combining it with the personal site dream will create that moment.

Because even this blog restricts my material to categories. I want OUT. I want to rip down the structure I am constantly setting up for my writing and just do as I please.

Reclaiming the kingdom.

Throwing out the old rules and bringing in the new Me-ocracy.

. . .

Woo hoo!

I can think of a dozen reasons why this is awesome.

1. Pushing myself to be a better web designer & writer. I have shied away from WordPress for YEARS. I didn’t think I could install it. I felt like it would be too presumptuous to start a blog on my own space, with my own design. I probably I was still buying into my ever-present failure complex, I dunno. But this will finally put to rest an old and stupid fear, and at the same time, force me to do my absolute friggin’ best. One supreme effort, the one I grew up avoiding and now am trying to reign into everything I do. (It’s hard.)

2. Stop making excuses. Tied into much of what I just wrote. I won’t have any “I’m not a real blogger” or “It’s just a little thing, I don’t take it seriously” asshat reasons left.

3. A stronger web presence. I am not saying that you can’t have a successful blog that is hosted on a free journal server. There are several blogs that DO it that way and do it marvelously well, with all their own branding and style. However, I like total control and I can have that. I know a little bit about webdesign and I can do that too. Why shouldn’t I extend myself and make a site that’s uniquely me? (And not just another college student with a opinion.)

4. Have a home. I am sick of moving my web stuff around, trying to come up with fancy ideas and taking shortcuts. I want permanence. I am going to make a dream home online. It is going to be planned. It is going to be loved. And it will be made to last.

21.5.800 {Day 4} – Needs, Wants, and Freedom

Yesterday morning was a pile of frustration. The rest of the day was extremely fun–I went on a road trip to visit my friend Bee. She gave me a tour of her fair city and we had a terrific time. When I went home, I had planned on working on a “reflection paper” for class and therefore get my 800 words from that, followed by savasana. But well, I lapsed on both counts!

It was an interesting exercise in what I want versus what I need. I didn’t put 21.5.800 in the mental compartment for need–there wasn’t much room left in there. My internship and then my visit with my friend were things I could guiltlessly say, “I need to do these things”. However, the idea of cutting the visit short or writing / doing yoga during the visit seemed out of the question. And afterward, my energy was spent.

I felt like, well, there isn’t a choice here. I went to bed and didn’t feel badly for it.

I slept long & well.

Still, I think that this skip on my part needs to be acknowledged. So today I endeavor to write 1600 words and do two sessions of yoga (probably one savasana and one DVD session), since today, my time is all my own today. My only other plans include going tubing down a river! Woo hoo!

That about does it for this update. More coming tonight!

Revisiting the Temple of Yoga. 21.5.800 {Day 3}

On Day 2, I attempted a 20 minute savasana pose before I went to sleep. It was difficult for me to allow my thoughts to pass through like water. Strangely, even though I tried this pose only minutes before I went to sleep, I found it very hard to relax.

Relax brings panic.

Relax makes me remember things that fall under duty, tasks, and the umbrella of unease.

I don’t think I achieved the ideal state of mind for savasana but by the end of my 20 minutes, I was able to achieve a quick “catch & release” mental place. It was refreshing to feel the stress that would normally bubble up underneath my skin when I try to relax, diminish.

Strangely, after that period of relaxation, I felt rejuvenated. I wanted to do things.

So maybe savasana is not the best for sleeping time. Maybe it is a good “wake up” pose. Maybe being still (dead) creates a physical and reactionary response to move (live).

Next time I attempt that pose, I want to try using some music or chanting to help encourage myself.

I also did yoga today, for Day 3. This time I used my Gaiam “Yoga for Beginners” with Rodney Yee video. It was really terrific for me, since I haven’t done yoga is a while, to revisit yoga at the beginning level. I realize that if I had tried to do the Power Yoga class first, I might have pushed myself too far. Even with short Rejuvenation sequence, I notice my flexibility has gone way way down since I last took classes.

I will use this DVD to work on regaining more flexibility and balance before I move onto more challenging yoga.

As for my 800 words today, I actually wrote a scene. Like, a fictional scene. I didn’t even finish it before I hit 1000 words. It probably is yucky yucky and needs editing or maybe to be set on fire, but that’s so not the point. I had a story in my head and it actually made it to a page. This is strangely wonderful and wonderfully strange. It may not even be good but I was there. I was seeing people and things happening to these people and I was trying to write it and I didn’t know how to convey everything without dissolving into a pile of description, so I maybe avoided description too much as a result.

There were parts of it that were sort of thrilling. There were parts of it that were disgusting and horrifying and I don’t think I accurately showed how much because I was too grossed out by the images. I’m still figuring out how Mayson (he’s the guy who has to run into the basement only to be confronted with, um, blood and screaming) would take in a scene that would probably reduce me to vomiting.

This is huge for me because the story feels real and I want to write it down.

But I feel really icky about what happened to poor Madison Porter and I hate hate hate her brother! I sort of don’t want to write about them because it’s sick and twisted. Like, why would this come from my brain? At the same time, I want to pull this “thread” and see where it leads. I mean, maybe I have this dark side to my imagination that I have yet to explore.

Beginnings are places to start, so I’m happy I at least made it to the starting place.

***

I changed the layout to S*W because the other one was too big and bulky. I am starting to look into moving S*W to my domain. (Not soon, but sooner than later.)

21.5.800 {Day 2}

I fulfilled my 800 words two emails ago. I am allowing myself to count my emails and replying to comments on my Livejournal as my 800 words because (1) they were to my friends and colleagues and (2) they were on topics of personal value.

Also, the word “colleagues”? It’s a new term I picked up from my grad class. Everyone uses it at that level. That word and “cohort” are extremely popular terms, though I don’t know if that is simply because it is a graduate course or if it’s because of the human development perspective.

I am gaining so much from this Adulthood and Aging class that I don’t think I can even begin to quantify it until I have a week or two to process it. Tomorrow is the last in-class meeting day. While I love the topic, 9am-3pm class is very trying. I am extremely fidgety and distracted.

My plan was to do yoga today in a Power Yoga class offered at the campus gym, but I didn’t end up going or doing my yoga video. I just felt so sick after my nap. I had a terrible headache and my stomach was dancing. I may try doing savasana tonight before sleeping, as a way to wind down from an extremely traumatic day.

OK, OK, I’m exaggerating. The  brown-yellow liquid dripping from our bathroom ceiling from the apartment above us did not cause any lasting emotional damage. It was, however, another event in the long journey that is (as my mother would call it) “Becoming an Adult”.

I’ll spare you the details.

I am a little worried that if I don’t get my savasana in tonight, I will be panicked and feel like a procrastinator even though events beyond my control made it extremely difficult today. More than anything, I want to reaffirm my control over my time and energy.

After this graduate course and learning to live in an apartment, I know I will be more empowered and motivated because I will have new constructs to build on. My time management skills are building daily. My self-control has increased from a 3 to a 5 (out of an imaginary 10 scale). I’ve been practicing the art of window shopping, which is a totally new experience for The Impulse Buyer.

I started working on my website again. the PFENIX will rise up in a few months. I still love the main site’s layout, but I’m working on content now. Content is the soul.

I sense major shifts of perception and learning in my future.

All right, I know that they are coming because I set myself up to have incredible experiences, but it’s powerful to feel my own excitement and anticipate the happiness & challenges they will bring.

The Pongo Manifesto & 21.5.800 {Day 1}

My little brother-dog, Pongo, passed away last week on June 2nd, 2010. He was born on September 21, 1998. I was only 8 years old when he was adopted into our family; my younger brother Miguel was only 5. It might be hard for some people to understand the extent of our loss. “He’s just an animal.” Not to us. I’m still in mourning.

I am dedicating my first post of the 21.5.800 challenge to him.

The decision to take on this challenge was made easy by a precedent. When I did Dyana Valentine’s 40 Day Challenge, which you can still see the archive of that experience here, it really set the my wheels in motion. I felt like, just this once, I had made progress. I had gotten so used to being frozen by fear of failure that the simple “I did it” echoed in my head, utterly triumphant.

Sure, those overly trite personal epiphanies that seem like kindergarten lessons to everyone else. . . but that didn’t matter because I had gained a deep sense of self efficacy (human dev and medical term that means “I’m the boss of me”).

Ever since then—with a great deal more reading and soul-searching and building myself up—love and greatness has followed. Slowly, at first, like a trickle.

Now it feels like a storm.

And I am not afraid of it.

When I do become nervous or frightened, I get excited. I want to face it head-on. Fear of failure doesn’t freeze my insides anymore. At the same time, I’m discovering the other half of the coin. Learning to wait, learning to listen, learning to save up. . .

These are things I never thought possible of myself.

Now I welcome challenges.

21.5.800 calls for a pretty hefty investment on my part. I didn’t take the summer semester off from classes. I will be taking 18 credits total. One of the classes I’m in right now is for grad students and it is a huge stretch for me, but I feel so lucky to be learning among and from women who’re finishing their Masters and PhDs, women with children and husbands, women going for second degrees and juggling their jobs. My internship is consuming and awesome. Recording life stories of the dying? An opportunity to be relished and honored.

The writing is not as big of a problem as the yoga. Tonight I am going to do savasana because Natalie and I went to the gym. I did a light pace on the elliptical and the bike, but I’m still drained from the full hour and a half of movement. Exercise has not been a part of my life for some time now.

I am hopeful that the yoga will start me back on the path to mind-body attunement. Yeah, I realize that sounds like a load of horse shit to those who dismiss yoga and meditation as “new age hippie crap” but, sorry to all those self-proclaimed realists, I’m a believer.

Impulsiveness and free-spirited are both words I’ve heard used to describe me. While I agree, I’ve said it before and I will say it again, STRUCTURE baby. I love making rules for myself. I love creating little systems. I like being my own damn princess.

Pongo understood all this. He was a good advisor. He listened. To those big brown eyes, I just couldn’t lie. Who could lie to face like his?

He was peaceful and he liked to play.

I’d like to be that way. Peaceful and playful.

---

Finishing the rest of my 800 on my Livejournal because I’ve nothing more to add to this writing!

I Have Been Weighed, I Have Been Measured

. . . and I have been found wanting.

How is that I am overwhelmingly happy and at the same time, wildly greedy? It is as if I sense the joy in pursuit and go chasing after every whiff of potential with arms flung wide. I love projects. I am a project.

My projects are all mine. I don’t consider the assignments or group work so synonymous with college “my projects”. I don’t love them. I may apply the same work ethic to them as I might to one of my projects, but they are not personal. My projects are adopted and live in the most treasured place imaginable – the mind.

I’m about to digress and ooze fangirl here. Seriously, the brain? (Or, if you prefer, the mind.) We all know how important it is, yet even the best of us treat it like its a high-functioning toilet sometimes. I try to remind myself of this every time I check my Facebook for the fifth time in an hour: is this really what you want to use your brain for? Wasting time, energy, and mental resources on whether or not your friend’s friend is having a good day?

This isn’t just because I’m the daughter of a neurologist  – I only wish that I’d learned this earlier. Yep, definitely new to accepting that many of the most important things in life are limited and must be respected accordingly.

I am becoming a lot more single-tasked and conservative with my investments. It has made my projects (so many!) much more manageable, though it may appear to be going slower than ever, I am actually making MORE headway because I am cutting out the unnecessary and spending less time stressing.

Today I did a little drawing for this site. . . and found that if I want to change the CSS, I have to pay $15. I’d rather move this site to my own domain then, but that is a BIG deal for me, but the fact I can’t change the CSS moves it up the the priority list.

The drawing itself – I’m especially happy with the face and the dress. I think I’ve improved a little since I last drew anything, which was as very long time ago. I know it’s not a head-turner but it is cute and I am hoping to draw more & improve / develop my own style.

Small steps equal big progress, says the little Asian girl.

Summer Home* Projects

*By summer home, I mean my apartment. My friend Natalie and I leased it for the summer.

Hello dear friends. Apologies for the short hiatus! Between spending quality time with loved ones in my hometown and unpacking & repacking for the move back to MSU, I didn’t have time to rub two thoughts together for S*W. How do those mommy bloggers find time / brain power when they have MUNCHKINS to contend with?!

Maybe when I have some “free” time, I’ll write a buffer so I can has crap to post when I don’t have any drafts finished.

Well, anyways, this princess is moved into her temporary castle with fellow princess Natalie. We’re hardy little women–in addition to being exceptionally lovely, we can cook and clean too! Okay, Natalie can cook. Cara just makes tea. The castle maintenance crew has been through here a couple times. The shower now has the amazing ability to drain and shuts off completely when we aren’t using it. Can you imagine such luck?

I’d like to send out a BIG thank you to Natalie’s boyfriend Thomas, our friend Geoff (not my Geoff, a different Geoff) and both of our families for helping us move in and set up our little home. This summer is going to be just wonderful. There’s a lot to be grateful for.

This semester is going to be a huge deviation from the last two years. My classes are humanistic and truly fascinating, rather than molecule after molecule, fact after fact. (And this is just the beginning!) I really like my anthropology and human sexuality textbooks, especially. Mmm. We humans are creatures of mucho complexities. And I finally FINALLY talked to someone and not an answering machine for my Life Historian for Hospice position, which will hopefully lead to my internship being set up. . . soon.

Other projects include decorating the apartment (also a “this week or next week” project because after that, I’ll start to wonder if it’s worth doing when I’m going to move out in X number of weeks); a book club with my Miss Jessie; helping my bestie with her wedding this August; and working on a few personal creative endeavors that are still under wraps lest I fail to make anything worth reading or seeing.

Before I study, I have a tip to all apartment owners. Take pictures of everything, every imperfection, the carpet, the fridge, everything — right when you move in. Then save the pictures, print them out, and send them to yourselves. Don’t open the envelope. The postmark will serve as additional proof for when they were taken.

This is my first apartment, so obviously I’ve never had a landlord before. But my parents have and this tip comes through me from my mother. She’s smart and she’s been screwed over before, so take heed!

XOpeace&loveXO

Little Thing {5} Cruise Control

(I really wish I could put a picture up with this post, but that will have to wait until I can unpack and find my SD card reader. Imagine a blue, blue sky with perfect clouds and a curvy road from the perspective of a driver. That was essentially it.)

I drove home from college today. I would love to talk about how this week is my “cocoon” period before beginning my first semester as a butterfly (a B.A./B.S. double major) and my extreme happiness at this point.

Unfortunately, all that happiness is pulling my eyelids down, so this has to be a little thing.

Today’s little thing is cruise control. Its benefits include better gas mileage, a more comfortable ride for the driver, access to the brain power that was manipulating the speedometer, and pretty much eliminates road rage possibilities.

Hahaha! My mom just told to go to bed because it’s 1 am. I am laughing out loud. I am truly home – doesn’t matter if I’m a college girl who’s almost twenty. :]

I can’t mention cruise control and not mention Geoff’s love — the stick shift. I have yet to master the stick (dirrrty) but apparently it makes driving more involved and much more fun. I have a pseudo-sports gear on my car that allows me to electronically shift and I have to admit that passing people is a lot more like a fun game when one is holding a joystick (bwahaha, again!).

Definitely need to road-trip across Michigan one summer! . . .  no more sentences, please. Bed me. Heh. Bed me. Heheh. Me to bed now, fo’ real, goodnight.

With Love, In Honor

“More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presence. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire to be useful, to do something significant, or to be part of some impressive project is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings, conferences, study groups, and workshops that prevent me from walking the streets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause, and not to feel that you are working directly for social progress. But I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them, but truly love them.” – HENRI NOUWEN

I quote Henri Nouwen in honor of my friend’s grandfather, who recently passed away. It is amazing how important it is to share in experiences with people, especially if you only have a short time together.

And all time is short, whether we know it or not.