Snow*Wench (Archive! S*W is no more!)

My little brother-dog, Pongo, passed away last week on June 2nd, 2010. He was born on September 21, 1998. I was only 8 years old when he was adopted into our family; my younger brother Miguel was only 5. It might be hard for some people to understand the extent of our loss. “He’s just an animal.” Not to us. I’m still in mourning.

I am dedicating my first post of the 21.5.800 challenge to him.

The decision to take on this challenge was made easy by a precedent. When I did Dyana Valentine’s 40 Day Challenge, which you can still see the archive of that experience here, it really set the my wheels in motion. I felt like, just this once, I had made progress. I had gotten so used to being frozen by fear of failure that the simple “I did it” echoed in my head, utterly triumphant.

Sure, those overly trite personal epiphanies that seem like kindergarten lessons to everyone else. . . but that didn’t matter because I had gained a deep sense of self efficacy (human dev and medical term that means “I’m the boss of me”).

Ever since then—with a great deal more reading and soul-searching and building myself up—love and greatness has followed. Slowly, at first, like a trickle.

Now it feels like a storm.

And I am not afraid of it.

When I do become nervous or frightened, I get excited. I want to face it head-on. Fear of failure doesn’t freeze my insides anymore. At the same time, I’m discovering the other half of the coin. Learning to wait, learning to listen, learning to save up. . .

These are things I never thought possible of myself.

Now I welcome challenges.

21.5.800 calls for a pretty hefty investment on my part. I didn’t take the summer semester off from classes. I will be taking 18 credits total. One of the classes I’m in right now is for grad students and it is a huge stretch for me, but I feel so lucky to be learning among and from women who’re finishing their Masters and PhDs, women with children and husbands, women going for second degrees and juggling their jobs. My internship is consuming and awesome. Recording life stories of the dying? An opportunity to be relished and honored.

The writing is not as big of a problem as the yoga. Tonight I am going to do savasana because Natalie and I went to the gym. I did a light pace on the elliptical and the bike, but I’m still drained from the full hour and a half of movement. Exercise has not been a part of my life for some time now.

I am hopeful that the yoga will start me back on the path to mind-body attunement. Yeah, I realize that sounds like a load of horse shit to those who dismiss yoga and meditation as “new age hippie crap” but, sorry to all those self-proclaimed realists, I’m a believer.

Impulsiveness and free-spirited are both words I’ve heard used to describe me. While I agree, I’ve said it before and I will say it again, STRUCTURE baby. I love making rules for myself. I love creating little systems. I like being my own damn princess.

Pongo understood all this. He was a good advisor. He listened. To those big brown eyes, I just couldn’t lie. Who could lie to face like his?

He was peaceful and he liked to play.

I’d like to be that way. Peaceful and playful.

Finishing the rest of my 800 on my Livejournal because I’ve nothing more to add to this writing!